Why Does Everything Always Have To Be So Difficult?!

Ya know, I know that not everything comes as easy as buying cake from the market, but you would think that things that regular people do would be a little easier than it is.

I have a bad habit of apologizing when it's not really needed. I know it's a bad habit, and I really, REALLY want to change it. I've been trying for a while now to fix it. It tends to bother people, and then I end up apologizing even more. It's a vicious cycle of sadness.

For instance, I'm dating this really wonderful guy. . . but I do the thing all the time and it gets on his nerves. Which is literally the last thing I want to do, because he is seriously the nicest guy I've ever dated. But for some reason I just can't stop myself. My best friends are trying to train me not to apologize, and to instead say something sweet or just scratch my hand when I feel the need to say the thing. For me the deadly 3 words aren't "I love you", they're "I'm really Sorry" But for some reason I have an easier time of saying the second thing, which is really shitty. I hate it.

I don't want to make people think I'm just some lame weirdo that apologizes too much for no reason (which is what I am right now) I want people to think I have confidence in myself and want to be around me. But I just can't get up the courage to have confidence if that makes any sense. I've been in a lot of awful relationships, and most of the people that I was with were the kind of people never to take responsibility for any of their actions. So I would end up thinking it's my fault for whatever they did wrong. Or why ever they were upset. It's just kind of been thrust in to my little skull that I bother every one, and that everything I do is incorrect and I need to apologize for my actions.

I have really awful anxiety around men, and I have a hard time expressing myself properly when it comes to the opposite sex. Specially if they're nice. Then I'm always nervous that something, ANYTHING is going to go wrong and that they're really not as nice as they seem. And it's like the moment the get a whiff of my nerves or my low self-esteem, everything just goes down hill from there. Then I just apologize more. It really sucks.

Things are Changing

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now, and I suppose things are going on alright. We get along really well, we enjoy the same kinds of activities. He's a little air headed, but really, genuinely sweet. This is the first time I think I've ever really actually fallen for someone. I have to say, It's kinda scary. Just a single message from this guy and my whole day is made. I really hope this works out and he doesn't get tired of me. . .because I really like him. I feel like our strings were instantly tied. We live almost identical lives. Have very similar friends and love the same things and believe in the same things. He's caring, understanding and very level headed. We're the same age, and I've never met a guy as young as I am that is so mature. He makes me smile, and makes me laugh and makes me feel like I have brutal, metal butterflies tearing my entrails apart.

I think that's a good thing?

Anyway,
I'm asking for all of the people who read this to send me your good vibes and good wishes. I think I'm pretty happy right now, so help me out, Internet! Let's do this!

WHYYYYYY

Okay,

So I was supposed to be paid for 87.67 hours on my check this period. But 19.95 hours were deducted from my stub. . . what. I have a lot of shit to do, and did not expect to be jipped on my god dang paycheck. So now I'll be pretty much scraping by for the next 2 weeks. All because human resources are ass holes.

I haven't posted here in awhile

Hey guys.

I know I haven't posted here in a few months.
Sorry about that.

My life has changed a lot in the past months, and I want to get rid of all the depressing shit.
I've started a new thread off of my main blog and it's where I'm gonna be happy!

I'm now working with all wonderful people.
Including a very close friend that I helped to get a job here! She's pretty amazing, honestly.

It's been pretty hectic at work and at home and I'm finally living alone, which is a lot more peaceful than I had expected. I can walk around without pants on all day every day. And eat WHATEVER I WANT (sometimes)

Anyway, Sorry for the hiatus and I hope someone will continue to read the bullshit I write about.

So, I know I haven't really kept up lately.

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't really kep up with this thing lately. I've been so stressed out that I actually got some grey hair. What. I've been working out and eating better. Cosplaying a whole lot, and buying panties, because why not.

Anyway, hello!

MARY IS GETTING MARRIED TODAY

Oh my goodness! A close friend of mine is getting married today at one of Tulsa's Historical Mansions. It's going to be absolutely beautiful. She absolutely deserves every happiness in the world and she's finally getting it. I'm so excited for her and her new husband. Everything will be splendid.

I Really can't Think of Anything: The Blog Post

Lately, I really can't think of anything to do or say. Everything I do has no affect on the situations I'm personally involved in. No matter what I say, or how hard I try, nothing I'm trying to fix changes shape at all. Sure I can glue broken mugs back together, but some things I just can't fix. Doesn't matter how much I try, or how hard I try to prove myself, nothing ever changes for me. Sometimes it'll get better, only to get more confusing and even harder to deal with than it was before. My life has been filled with disappointment, desire, sadness, unconditional love,resentment, jealousy, and my feelings are more or less proverbial hamburger meat. The only things keeping me going are the little slivers of hope that some times come visit me during the day or really late at night. But most of the time those hopes are dashed and replaced with even more disappointment or the words or actions that gave me the hope in the first place are taken back and hoped to be ignored. I really just want to cease to exist for a couple of hours a day. At least. And I know that being a good person consists of not expecting anything in return for the good deeds done, but come on. I've been trying for so long to make things better, and I haven't gotten a single thing in return. or when I have gotten something in return, it's short lived and confusing. Fleeting, if you will.

And you know, I know that I'm cared for, and I know that people love me for how I am, for who I am. But most of the people that I love more than anything in this world just don't understand HOW to love me. Or rather, when something bad happens, they rely on basic animal instincts and they just shrink away from me. Away from the problem. they don't try to fix it because they lost any idea how to fix it. They feel one way about me, but act another. They say one things, and do the complete opposite. Life really blows lately. It's really confusing and really hard, and all I want is to be cared for. I just want to be loved like I should be. I Know that they want to give me everything I deserve, and more. But for some unknown reason, or unknown to me, they just can't. And it is the single most frustrating thing in the world. Like. . . If you really want to do those things for me, THEN JUST DO THEM. I'M NOT THAT DIFFICULT OF A PERSON. ALL I WANT IS HUGS AND KISSES AND LOYALTY. NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. YOU PROMISE ME THE STARS AND YOU GIVE ME EARTH WORMS. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST TRY. JUST TRY. THAT'S ALL I WANT. YOU SAY ALL THESE THINGS AND THEY EITHER A) NEVER HAPPEN, OR B) HAPPEN FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN WITHER AWAY INTO THE BLACK ABYSS THAT IS NOTHINGNESS.

Okay, sorry. I just had to get that off of my chest. I really just want to have at least one person there for me, that I know for a fact I can count on, no matter what. That I can cry, and yell and just be myself, for myself, and be loved for who I am, and not be frightened by me, or how much I love them. I don't want to be threatening or scary, And I never mean to be. I just maybe care a whole lot about a lot of people.

BUT FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M DEAD.

Peaches. Fucking. Peaches.

So, I think I'm being punished for having such a good couple of weeks. First off, I get rained out of the Renn Faire. Second, I catch a slight cold, leaving me all wibbly. Next, Brent is supposed to come home after work to eat dinner with me and watch a movie. Never shows up. Find out he has pretty much taken a chunk out of his wrist breaking in to his own car to get his keys out. I have to clean up the flappy dead flesh and try not to cry and vomit at the same time. Then I realize my phone isn't charging. Only to find out that the HTC One has a flaw that pretty much completely disables the charging feature. (If it just so happens to happen to you.) And of course, I'm in that bottom %3 that get all of the horrible side effects from medicine and other bullshit. So of course this would happen to me. Next on the list is I take it to the AT&T store to find out that my warranty expired literally 4 days ago. Leaving me with almost no means of communication besides my laptop (which I really NEVER use.) Now, I have no way of getting a new phone without paying the $699 that the phone actually costs. My plans tonight have fallen through almost completely and I'm left home alone with my cat and Netflix. I was supposed to have dinner, but that has also fallen through.

I really don't think that I'm supposed to have nice things or be happy. Ever.

I AM MOST EXCITE

So, My best friend Suzy is being a generous god and purchasing me a very pretty and special thing. AND NOW TO FINALLY RE-VAMP MY COSPLAY WARDROBE. I am so excited to be the Ciel to her Sebastian. It is literally a dream come true. I am peeing my pants.

Wonderful People I Have the Pleasure of Knowing~ Pt 3.

Suzy is like a mirror image of myself. We understand each other in ways a lot of people never could. We have been through a lot in our young lives that have broken us down, but built us up even stronger than before. We protect each other, and support each other in anything we do. We're like partners in crime. We cosplay, we dance and we fart in elevators. She's like the great white Satan and I'm like a tiny little Russian lady with a bad attitude and bad gas. Together we make a very dynamic duo. We've both been going through very similar things lately and we've gone a little bit off our rockers here lately, but we're slowly getting back on the horse and doing things we like to do. Things that genuinly make us happy. Given, I'm a few years younger than she is, but hey, I've never really had any friends (Katherine and Madison excluded) that are my age.

ANYWAY, She is wonderful and amazing and supportive and crazy and tall and very very white. And she is %100 my best friend.


(disclaimer: you can absolutely have more than one best friend. Duh.)

The Wonderful People I Have the Pleasure of Knowing~ Pt. 1

I seriously think I have to 2 best friends on the face of the planet. They're always there for me, no matter what's happening. They alwasy listen to what I have to say and I try to do the same in return for them ( I tend to talk a lot, and I tend to talk over people unintentionally.) They're the sweetest, most honest and caring females I have ever encountered. I say females because most women I meet are absolutely horrible human beings. I just wanted to give them a shout out because they've both been a really big inspiration to me, and have been the ones supporting me through this horrible, rough, ballsack-esque patch of life I've been experiencing.

Katherine and Madison are two of the best people in the world, and I love them so much. I want to be friends until all we do is mumble weird songs and try to play video games with cataracts and barely any coordination what so ever. I think we'll be fantastic old people together.

May 9th - May 11th

This weekend, I drove my best friend down to her home town in BurkBurnett, Texas. The hottest, dryest hole in the united states. The town itself is really cute, and quiet, BUT IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS. Anyway, It's a 4 hour drive there, and of course a 4 hour drive back. All made in the same day. We had only had around 3 hours of sleep the night previous, and then we woke up around 10:00am, and left around 11. Drove all the way there, had to navigate through creepy southern Oklahoma towns, and finally got there around 5:00. We left to go back around 6:00, got back home at 10:00, took showers and slowly crawled in bed and passed the fuck out.

It smells like onions.

I was in training today from 7am to Noon. Just sitting there in front of a computer for 5 hours with a man speaking in a very low and monotone voice about how to look up IRA's and Loan information. Someone just kill me. I seriously felt like my brain had turned in to rice jelly. And now I'm back at work with the most horrible person on the face of the planet, and today, he just so happened to eat something with an obscene amount of green onions and garlic. So now, I'm stuck in a small glass box with a boy that has no shoes on, sweaty leather feet, his shirt unbuttoned with his chubby hair covered gut sticking out over his pants.


The worst part is, He's still shoveling it into his mouth. Christ on a Bike, I can't stand the smell.

This is Fucking Hilarious.

This dumbass just (somehow) Made the coffee pot overflow all over the floor. I have no idea how it happened. But it did. Now it's staining the carpet, and making it smell like wet dog, and coffee. It's disgusting and funny and he deserves it.

So, What do you want from me?

So, I don't really get much traffic on here I guess. So I would like to know if the page views I'm getting are actual people, actually reading my blog. So, If you wouldn't mind, Please comment on something for the love of god. LET ME KNOW YOU REALLY EXIST.

Anyway. What kind of shit do you wanna see?

The Line

I think I have finally pushed past the line of giving any sort of fucks about really anything at all. I just smile and giggle to myself about the shit I say. For instance, the one person that has made my life a living hell for the past 4 months just said "Why don't you do this deposit, you're the commercial teller after all, you're supposed to do the large deposits." And literally all I said was "Well you weren't here yesterday and I did like 176 of them. You could stand to do a few."
And apparently, that meant "I'M INSENSITIVE TO THE FACT THAT YOU WERE AT A FUNERAL AND NOW I'M MAKING YOU DO ALL MY WORK BECAUSE I'M AN ASS HOLE. FUCKASS." Because what he said to me after that is "Oh my god Madi, I was at my Dad's cousins funeral that was murdered. That's not okay, you don't have to be such a horrible person. That's not okay." And you know, usually, I would get really angry and say something in retort, but for the first time in a long time, I just Smiled to myself and didn't say anything. And now, the passive aggression begins. Like handing me deposits that he could have been doing, or very obviously emailing a good friend of mine talking shit, then saying "Hey Zach, look at the email I sent you. I want you to read it right away." And he says "Man, could you be any more obvious?"


And I just smiled. I have nothing to do with him anymore. He has driven me to the point of no cares.

So I realize now that

A lot of really rich people are complete idiots. Wealthy people are not idiots, they worked long and hard for their money. But people that are born into a lot of money, or their parents have left in to them, are usually just flat dumb.


For instance:
I'm at work. I work in a part of town where the snooty and stupid rich thrive; better known as Utica Square.
A lady just pulled in a few minutes ago to a lane very clearly marked "CLOSED". She hits the buzzer to talk to us 3-4 times in a row, until finally, we get a few seconds to talk to her after waiting on the other customers. She says "Where is the tube?!" I say, " That lane is closed today ma'am, it's broken and we can't send it out. I'm really sorry, but you can pull into any of the other lanes, and we will be able to take care of you." Now, she didn't like that very much. It took her around 3 minutes to put her car in reverse, back up about 10 feet, and pull in to the lane to the right. When she go back to the intercom in the next lane, she buzzed in again 3-4 times, (it's the most annoying dinging sound. . .) trying to get our attention to tell us the following:

Customer: " You said the lane was broken and closed, but why wasn't the lane blocked off?"
Myself: "Well, we don't have any chains or anything so we turned the closed light on."
Customer: "Well, the light said "Clearance: 14', CLOSED, but no body every looks up there at the light, so I just drove in."
Myself: ". . . . Okay then."

So what just happened is that she didn't know how to back up her car 10 feet without taking 3 minutes to do so, AND she drove in to a lane that she very clearly saw said "CLOSED", and then tried to defend herself by saying "Well no one ever looks up there anyway."

Working on Saturday

So, Working Saturdays at a Bank is probably the most bothersome thing you could possibly do with your life. You wake up at the ass crack of dawn, get out of bed, put on whatever you can find that isn't dirty or wrinkled. You then proceed to drive to the Bank.

Once there, you wait in your car for around 20 minutes, waiting for the other employees to arrive. When everyone get's there, you all get out of your cars at once and walk to the front door. You then deactivate the alarm, make sure all the doors are locked, (Because one time we found a lady in the atrium and it scared the shit out of us.) and then we go downstairs and in the tunnel to get to our stations.

Now,
Today, we get to the Bank, we unlock the door, we go in and we clock in to go to work. Once we walk down into the tunnel, something smells like dead animals. So we proceed a little further in. Then, we see that the tunnel is flooded with what looks like septic back up and dirty water. So, we wade through the nast, get to the final door to go up the spiral stair case to get to our stations, and when we open the door, IT'S LIKE 3 INCHES DEEP WITH BACKED UP SHIT AND TOILET WATER.

So, now we're at work, with the sound of dripping septic water in the back ground. No one here to help us, or give us a raft to float to safety.

My Favorite Co-Worker

Awww, look what I found on my computer this morning.

Okay, So. . .

So, Brent has the flu, I've been taking care of him. I hope I don't get the flu. I've been looking for a new job with different companies, (I've decided to go back to retail, sadly) Because I just absolutely CANNOT stand it here anymore.