Why Does Everything Always Have To Be So Difficult?!

Ya know, I know that not everything comes as easy as buying cake from the market, but you would think that things that regular people do would be a little easier than it is.

I have a bad habit of apologizing when it's not really needed. I know it's a bad habit, and I really, REALLY want to change it. I've been trying for a while now to fix it. It tends to bother people, and then I end up apologizing even more. It's a vicious cycle of sadness.

For instance, I'm dating this really wonderful guy. . . but I do the thing all the time and it gets on his nerves. Which is literally the last thing I want to do, because he is seriously the nicest guy I've ever dated. But for some reason I just can't stop myself. My best friends are trying to train me not to apologize, and to instead say something sweet or just scratch my hand when I feel the need to say the thing. For me the deadly 3 words aren't "I love you", they're "I'm really Sorry" But for some reason I have an easier time of saying the second thing, which is really shitty. I hate it.

I don't want to make people think I'm just some lame weirdo that apologizes too much for no reason (which is what I am right now) I want people to think I have confidence in myself and want to be around me. But I just can't get up the courage to have confidence if that makes any sense. I've been in a lot of awful relationships, and most of the people that I was with were the kind of people never to take responsibility for any of their actions. So I would end up thinking it's my fault for whatever they did wrong. Or why ever they were upset. It's just kind of been thrust in to my little skull that I bother every one, and that everything I do is incorrect and I need to apologize for my actions.

I have really awful anxiety around men, and I have a hard time expressing myself properly when it comes to the opposite sex. Specially if they're nice. Then I'm always nervous that something, ANYTHING is going to go wrong and that they're really not as nice as they seem. And it's like the moment the get a whiff of my nerves or my low self-esteem, everything just goes down hill from there. Then I just apologize more. It really sucks.