I Really can't Think of Anything: The Blog Post

Lately, I really can't think of anything to do or say. Everything I do has no affect on the situations I'm personally involved in. No matter what I say, or how hard I try, nothing I'm trying to fix changes shape at all. Sure I can glue broken mugs back together, but some things I just can't fix. Doesn't matter how much I try, or how hard I try to prove myself, nothing ever changes for me. Sometimes it'll get better, only to get more confusing and even harder to deal with than it was before. My life has been filled with disappointment, desire, sadness, unconditional love,resentment, jealousy, and my feelings are more or less proverbial hamburger meat. The only things keeping me going are the little slivers of hope that some times come visit me during the day or really late at night. But most of the time those hopes are dashed and replaced with even more disappointment or the words or actions that gave me the hope in the first place are taken back and hoped to be ignored. I really just want to cease to exist for a couple of hours a day. At least. And I know that being a good person consists of not expecting anything in return for the good deeds done, but come on. I've been trying for so long to make things better, and I haven't gotten a single thing in return. or when I have gotten something in return, it's short lived and confusing. Fleeting, if you will.

And you know, I know that I'm cared for, and I know that people love me for how I am, for who I am. But most of the people that I love more than anything in this world just don't understand HOW to love me. Or rather, when something bad happens, they rely on basic animal instincts and they just shrink away from me. Away from the problem. they don't try to fix it because they lost any idea how to fix it. They feel one way about me, but act another. They say one things, and do the complete opposite. Life really blows lately. It's really confusing and really hard, and all I want is to be cared for. I just want to be loved like I should be. I Know that they want to give me everything I deserve, and more. But for some unknown reason, or unknown to me, they just can't. And it is the single most frustrating thing in the world. Like. . . If you really want to do those things for me, THEN JUST DO THEM. I'M NOT THAT DIFFICULT OF A PERSON. ALL I WANT IS HUGS AND KISSES AND LOYALTY. NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. YOU PROMISE ME THE STARS AND YOU GIVE ME EARTH WORMS. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST TRY. JUST TRY. THAT'S ALL I WANT. YOU SAY ALL THESE THINGS AND THEY EITHER A) NEVER HAPPEN, OR B) HAPPEN FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN WITHER AWAY INTO THE BLACK ABYSS THAT IS NOTHINGNESS.

Okay, sorry. I just had to get that off of my chest. I really just want to have at least one person there for me, that I know for a fact I can count on, no matter what. That I can cry, and yell and just be myself, for myself, and be loved for who I am, and not be frightened by me, or how much I love them. I don't want to be threatening or scary, And I never mean to be. I just maybe care a whole lot about a lot of people.

BUT FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M DEAD.