Why Does Everything Always Have To Be So Difficult?!

Ya know, I know that not everything comes as easy as buying cake from the market, but you would think that things that regular people do would be a little easier than it is.

I have a bad habit of apologizing when it's not really needed. I know it's a bad habit, and I really, REALLY want to change it. I've been trying for a while now to fix it. It tends to bother people, and then I end up apologizing even more. It's a vicious cycle of sadness.

For instance, I'm dating this really wonderful guy. . . but I do the thing all the time and it gets on his nerves. Which is literally the last thing I want to do, because he is seriously the nicest guy I've ever dated. But for some reason I just can't stop myself. My best friends are trying to train me not to apologize, and to instead say something sweet or just scratch my hand when I feel the need to say the thing. For me the deadly 3 words aren't "I love you", they're "I'm really Sorry" But for some reason I have an easier time of saying the second thing, which is really shitty. I hate it.

I don't want to make people think I'm just some lame weirdo that apologizes too much for no reason (which is what I am right now) I want people to think I have confidence in myself and want to be around me. But I just can't get up the courage to have confidence if that makes any sense. I've been in a lot of awful relationships, and most of the people that I was with were the kind of people never to take responsibility for any of their actions. So I would end up thinking it's my fault for whatever they did wrong. Or why ever they were upset. It's just kind of been thrust in to my little skull that I bother every one, and that everything I do is incorrect and I need to apologize for my actions.

I have really awful anxiety around men, and I have a hard time expressing myself properly when it comes to the opposite sex. Specially if they're nice. Then I'm always nervous that something, ANYTHING is going to go wrong and that they're really not as nice as they seem. And it's like the moment the get a whiff of my nerves or my low self-esteem, everything just goes down hill from there. Then I just apologize more. It really sucks.

Things are Changing

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now, and I suppose things are going on alright. We get along really well, we enjoy the same kinds of activities. He's a little air headed, but really, genuinely sweet. This is the first time I think I've ever really actually fallen for someone. I have to say, It's kinda scary. Just a single message from this guy and my whole day is made. I really hope this works out and he doesn't get tired of me. . .because I really like him. I feel like our strings were instantly tied. We live almost identical lives. Have very similar friends and love the same things and believe in the same things. He's caring, understanding and very level headed. We're the same age, and I've never met a guy as young as I am that is so mature. He makes me smile, and makes me laugh and makes me feel like I have brutal, metal butterflies tearing my entrails apart.

I think that's a good thing?

Anyway,
I'm asking for all of the people who read this to send me your good vibes and good wishes. I think I'm pretty happy right now, so help me out, Internet! Let's do this!

WHYYYYYY

Okay,

So I was supposed to be paid for 87.67 hours on my check this period. But 19.95 hours were deducted from my stub. . . what. I have a lot of shit to do, and did not expect to be jipped on my god dang paycheck. So now I'll be pretty much scraping by for the next 2 weeks. All because human resources are ass holes.

I haven't posted here in awhile

Hey guys.

I know I haven't posted here in a few months.
Sorry about that.

My life has changed a lot in the past months, and I want to get rid of all the depressing shit.
I've started a new thread off of my main blog and it's where I'm gonna be happy!

I'm now working with all wonderful people.
Including a very close friend that I helped to get a job here! She's pretty amazing, honestly.

It's been pretty hectic at work and at home and I'm finally living alone, which is a lot more peaceful than I had expected. I can walk around without pants on all day every day. And eat WHATEVER I WANT (sometimes)

Anyway, Sorry for the hiatus and I hope someone will continue to read the bullshit I write about.

So, I know I haven't really kept up lately.

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't really kep up with this thing lately. I've been so stressed out that I actually got some grey hair. What. I've been working out and eating better. Cosplaying a whole lot, and buying panties, because why not.

Anyway, hello!

MARY IS GETTING MARRIED TODAY

Oh my goodness! A close friend of mine is getting married today at one of Tulsa's Historical Mansions. It's going to be absolutely beautiful. She absolutely deserves every happiness in the world and she's finally getting it. I'm so excited for her and her new husband. Everything will be splendid.

I Really can't Think of Anything: The Blog Post

Lately, I really can't think of anything to do or say. Everything I do has no affect on the situations I'm personally involved in. No matter what I say, or how hard I try, nothing I'm trying to fix changes shape at all. Sure I can glue broken mugs back together, but some things I just can't fix. Doesn't matter how much I try, or how hard I try to prove myself, nothing ever changes for me. Sometimes it'll get better, only to get more confusing and even harder to deal with than it was before. My life has been filled with disappointment, desire, sadness, unconditional love,resentment, jealousy, and my feelings are more or less proverbial hamburger meat. The only things keeping me going are the little slivers of hope that some times come visit me during the day or really late at night. But most of the time those hopes are dashed and replaced with even more disappointment or the words or actions that gave me the hope in the first place are taken back and hoped to be ignored. I really just want to cease to exist for a couple of hours a day. At least. And I know that being a good person consists of not expecting anything in return for the good deeds done, but come on. I've been trying for so long to make things better, and I haven't gotten a single thing in return. or when I have gotten something in return, it's short lived and confusing. Fleeting, if you will.

And you know, I know that I'm cared for, and I know that people love me for how I am, for who I am. But most of the people that I love more than anything in this world just don't understand HOW to love me. Or rather, when something bad happens, they rely on basic animal instincts and they just shrink away from me. Away from the problem. they don't try to fix it because they lost any idea how to fix it. They feel one way about me, but act another. They say one things, and do the complete opposite. Life really blows lately. It's really confusing and really hard, and all I want is to be cared for. I just want to be loved like I should be. I Know that they want to give me everything I deserve, and more. But for some unknown reason, or unknown to me, they just can't. And it is the single most frustrating thing in the world. Like. . . If you really want to do those things for me, THEN JUST DO THEM. I'M NOT THAT DIFFICULT OF A PERSON. ALL I WANT IS HUGS AND KISSES AND LOYALTY. NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. YOU PROMISE ME THE STARS AND YOU GIVE ME EARTH WORMS. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST TRY. JUST TRY. THAT'S ALL I WANT. YOU SAY ALL THESE THINGS AND THEY EITHER A) NEVER HAPPEN, OR B) HAPPEN FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN WITHER AWAY INTO THE BLACK ABYSS THAT IS NOTHINGNESS.

Okay, sorry. I just had to get that off of my chest. I really just want to have at least one person there for me, that I know for a fact I can count on, no matter what. That I can cry, and yell and just be myself, for myself, and be loved for who I am, and not be frightened by me, or how much I love them. I don't want to be threatening or scary, And I never mean to be. I just maybe care a whole lot about a lot of people.

BUT FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M DEAD.

Peaches. Fucking. Peaches.

So, I think I'm being punished for having such a good couple of weeks. First off, I get rained out of the Renn Faire. Second, I catch a slight cold, leaving me all wibbly. Next, Brent is supposed to come home after work to eat dinner with me and watch a movie. Never shows up. Find out he has pretty much taken a chunk out of his wrist breaking in to his own car to get his keys out. I have to clean up the flappy dead flesh and try not to cry and vomit at the same time. Then I realize my phone isn't charging. Only to find out that the HTC One has a flaw that pretty much completely disables the charging feature. (If it just so happens to happen to you.) And of course, I'm in that bottom %3 that get all of the horrible side effects from medicine and other bullshit. So of course this would happen to me. Next on the list is I take it to the AT&T store to find out that my warranty expired literally 4 days ago. Leaving me with almost no means of communication besides my laptop (which I really NEVER use.) Now, I have no way of getting a new phone without paying the $699 that the phone actually costs. My plans tonight have fallen through almost completely and I'm left home alone with my cat and Netflix. I was supposed to have dinner, but that has also fallen through.

I really don't think that I'm supposed to have nice things or be happy. Ever.

I AM MOST EXCITE

So, My best friend Suzy is being a generous god and purchasing me a very pretty and special thing. AND NOW TO FINALLY RE-VAMP MY COSPLAY WARDROBE. I am so excited to be the Ciel to her Sebastian. It is literally a dream come true. I am peeing my pants.

Wonderful People I Have the Pleasure of Knowing~ Pt 3.

Suzy is like a mirror image of myself. We understand each other in ways a lot of people never could. We have been through a lot in our young lives that have broken us down, but built us up even stronger than before. We protect each other, and support each other in anything we do. We're like partners in crime. We cosplay, we dance and we fart in elevators. She's like the great white Satan and I'm like a tiny little Russian lady with a bad attitude and bad gas. Together we make a very dynamic duo. We've both been going through very similar things lately and we've gone a little bit off our rockers here lately, but we're slowly getting back on the horse and doing things we like to do. Things that genuinly make us happy. Given, I'm a few years younger than she is, but hey, I've never really had any friends (Katherine and Madison excluded) that are my age.

ANYWAY, She is wonderful and amazing and supportive and crazy and tall and very very white. And she is %100 my best friend.


(disclaimer: you can absolutely have more than one best friend. Duh.)